Shame and Its Effects

Hey everyone,

So today I am here to tell you about shame. The inspiration for this post came from an interaction with the mother and the sister. These were two separate incidents, but in both cases I was ‘shamed’ for something that I should have done but didn’t do.

Since I am on the self healing track, the ‘shaming’ bothered me. So I decided to research shame, find out how it affects us, and share that here. And boy does shame have some pretty negative long term effects.

What Is Shame?

Before I get into the effects of shame, let’s first talk about what shame is. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines shame as “a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute”. That is, shame causes feelings of unworthiness, embarrassment and humiliation.

That sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Yep it did for me as well. This is because shame is one of the tools most commonly used in parenting; to correct certain behavior. However, doing so can be counterproductive.

The Effects Of Shame

You see, shame, when used as a tool for parenting may cause people to hide their negative behavior to avoid being shamed. In the long term, this leads to a life of in-authenticity and people pleasing.

Moreover, shame, when internalized, never really goes away. Internalizing shame mostly happens when you are shamed as a child by your primary caregiver or parent. At that point in your life, you are dependent on your caregiver and want their affection. Additionally, your egos wouldn’t have developed, and so you internalize what your parents/caregivers say and do about you.

There is enough evidence now to show that when children are shamed a lot, they grow up to have a very low self esteem. This further leads to them suppressing their emotions and needs (the life of in-authenticity I mentioned before), which eventually causes depression and social anxiety.

Using Shame For Good

Of course, there are many ways in which shame can be used for good. For example, if rapists and pedophiles could be made to feel ashamed about their actions, it may just stop them from such behavior in the future.

However, to use shame productively our society has to become a lot more conscious, because we need a majority for shaming to be effective. We are still a long way from this right now, though things are definitely beginning to change.

Healing From Internalized Shame

For internalized shame, the best cure is self love and acceptance. Moreover, when you accept yourself as you are without shame you also tend to be more empathetic toward others. This, in turn, allows you to avoid shaming behavior that may hurt another person as well.

If every individual lived this way, society would be much nicer and the world would be a much better place. Don’t you think?

To conclude, I am going to say heal yourself of your toxic shame first and you’ll automatically help everyone else do the same.

Well, that’s it for today folks… Until next time!